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It’s part of the journey


Throughout the last six months, I’ve shared feelings of grief.

You’ve read about it.

You’ve comforted.

You’ve understood.

Now, I know you’ll understand how my journey is taking me down a new path -and how I’m learning that it’s part of the journey to move on.
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The yellow house on a dreary day

It’s a dreary, rainy, late October morning. The sun is not shining. The trees are no longer covered with brilliant foliage. One might think I’d be depressed today, but I’m not. The same grace God has rained down upon me in the past is pouring upon me today. It’s not a cold rain like I feel outside today; it’s a warm, refreshing rain, and I’m basking in it.
As I prayed this morning, I looked across the yard at the yellow house, as I often do, and again I thanked God for the heritage bestowed upon me by my parents. But this time, no lump comes to my throat; no tears well in my eyes. Instead, I see a path ahead that that is bright and sunny, and as I step onto the path, the rain of grace that covers me is soothing and healing. I read (slightly paraphrased),
“My daughter, keep your father’s commands and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck.
When you walk , they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you;
when you awake, they will speak to you.
For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light,
and the corrections of discipline are the way to life.”
(Proverbs 6:20-23)
God leads me in a new path today. If you’ve been there, you’ll understand. If you haven’t, ask God for the grace to find it. The beautiful part of the journey is moving on.
 

 
 
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I Don’t Like It

Six and seven months have passed since I lost my parents. Many of you know how it is. Just when I think I’m moving on, something happens that moves me back one step. In the last week, I heard of the passing of several friends and acquaintances of my parents (and mine) – dear people their ages. Finality. Reality. I don’t like it.

This week, I attended the funeral of my very close friend’s father. The reality of it all brought more hurt. But God has given me comfort today:
“I thought I couldn’t live without him, but now I know I can. That would make him proud.”
(Oscar Schell, speaking about his father, in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close – a powerful film with many inspirational messages imbedded in the story.)

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Grief to Beauty

“His glory covered the heavens and his praise filled the earth, His splendor was like the sunrise; rays flashed from his hand, where his power was hidden.” (Habakkuk 3:3b,4)

I went to the grave this morning to replace the once pink geraniums and withered vines with a mum plant, bursting with soft purple blossoms, one I knew Mama would have loved.
I hadn’t been to the grave in weeks, an unusual break of custom for me, but after months of faithful visits, tending and watering the summer blooms, often crying, and always reminiscing, a persistent grief had encompassed me, a grief I had been trying to shake by avoiding the tradition. So on this crisp autumn morning, I faced grief in order to bring beauty.

The little country cemetery was quiet. Sunshine flooded the diamonded dew.

As I stopped the car, close to the grave site, two old wild turkeys left low branches of a century-old maple at the edge of the cemetery and flew a short distance to the ground, their heavy bodies lighting not far from Mom and Dad’s grave.

I wondered how many times Mom and Dad had seen these very birds from the kitchen window of their yellow house – across the road from this cemetery – in their daily rituals of watching families of turkeys roam the countryside. I wondered if these two turkeys had followed Mom and Dad to their final resting place, perhaps waiting their own time to pass, as well. They fled when I lifted the latch gate, took the plant, and walked the few, somber steps to the stone.

Together Forever, I read.

“Mama, Daddy,” I cried, as I had so many times before.

As I grieved, I stepped behind the stone and discovered that since my last visit,the bronze plaque had been set in place, the honor bestowed Daddy by the Veterans Administration. I pulled out my cell phone and took a picture of it to send to my sister, but it wasn’t until after I later opened the electronic picture that I saw the rays of sun flooding over the tombstone and into my lens.

I considered the “splendor” of the morning and the sun rays that “flash from his hand.” I was reminded of his “power”– the power that lifted the very souls from Daddy and Mama’s aged bodies; the power that will one day lift those broken bodies out of that grave and transform them into perfect models of their once young, vibrant beings; the power that will bring us all together again; “His divine power” that “has given us everything . . . and has given us his very great and precious promises . . .” (1 Peter 1:4). . .

and the power that consoles my grief in order to bring beauty.
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Keep talking faith, Kathi!

Notes about the Word  – Part 2
 

My faith has strengthened through reading God’s Word- the Bible. His Word has become very close to me – in my mouth – in my heart. For that reason, I have centered my blog – this journal in which I share some things God is teaching me – on a passage from Romans 10:
 

“The righteousness that is by faith says, ‘The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart; that is the word of faith!’ . . .”
 

In this passage, Paul is explaining how Moses, in the Old Testament, described righteousness that came from the law (I wrote about that in my last posting.) Now, in the New Testament, Paul tells us that righteousness comes by faith in Jesus. He calls it “the word of faith.” And “faith comes from hearing the message . . . through the word of Christ.” The more I read God’s Word, the Bible, the greater my faith becomes. It is near me – in my mouth and in my heart.

Today, as I have my devotion (a bit of time speaking to and listening to God), I speak that Word:

 “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3)

“Above all else, I guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Even as I write this, I am interrupted by the phone – I am reminded of troubles – fear comes to me – I feel anxiety creeping into my heart – I speak words of doubt. Then I remember today’s devotion I have just read from Pursuit of His Presence. Gloria writes: “Did you know that the devil can’t do anything to you if you won’t give him any place? That’s right. If you won’t speak words of doubt and unbelief, but instead speak words of faith, he can’t sustain his attack . . . keep talking faith . . .”

“The word is near me; that word of faith is in my mouth and in my heart.”

These days, I must constantly remember to keep talking faith!

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” the righteousness that is by faith . . .”

Notes about the Word  – Part 1

Before Jesus, people had to live “under the law.” What a challenge that must have been! Sacrifices, strict laws to follow, . . .

After Jesus – and because of Jesus ( because of his sacrifice), we now can be righteous. What? I can be righteous? Yes, I am made righteous – not because of what I have done or what I do, but because of my faith in the one who became the final sacrifice – Jesus Christ!

This is the “righteousness that is by faith,” that we read about in Romans, chapter 10, as well as in many other places in the Bible. And this righteousness says (yes, it speaks!), “The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart.”

Let’s break that down into two parts (the teacher  in me is coming out):
1) The word is “in your mouth.” That’s speaking – that’s confessing that Jesus is Lord! (Romans 10:9)
2) The word is “in your heart.” That’s believing – believing “in your heart that God raised him from the dead . . .” (Romans 10:9)
And then what happens? “It is with your heart that you believe and are justified”– that means He took my place – He covered it all – He made things right between me and Almighty God!   “ . . . and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” (Romans 10:10)
Wow!
Friends, if you haven’t yet believed and confessed, do so now! (It’s your prayer to the Lord God.) The word is near you!

(Look for Notes about the Word – Part 2)

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“Away from Me [and mine] . . .”

Our family continues to be harassed by the adversary. (You wonder HOW in the world that adversary thinks he can ever win against the children of Almighty God! He can’t! He’s already been defeated.)

Does the adversary harass you and yours?

I received a text this morning. Someone asked me to “Listen to this song, ‘Always,’ by Kristian Stanfill. (Right click – “Open in a new tab” to keep this window open.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb4VvNq8WEM

“My foes are many; they rise against me, but I will hold my ground! I will not fear the war; I will not fear the storm. My help is on the way; my help is on the way.

Oh, my God; He will not delay- my refuge and strength always. I will not fear; His promise is true; my God will come through –  always – always.

Trouble surrounds me – chaos abounding – my soul will  rest in you. I will not fear the war; I will not fear the storm. My help is on the way; my help is on the way.

I lift my eyes up; my help comes from the Lord.

Oh, my God; He will not delay- my refuge and strength always; I will not fear; His promise is true; my God will come through- always – always.”

It is a song of total Scripture! And we know that God’s Word is SO powerful!

Access the link; listen to God’s Word in song – and let God’s Word speak to you. Delve into the Scriptures (use your Bible’s concordance or an online concordance). Locate each of these references and accept these awesome promises from our Awesome God. (That’s what I’m doing right now! Psalm 121 is one location!)

By the way, Jesus spoke to the enemy. And I speak to the enemy as I finish the title of this blog – “Away from me, Satan!” Matthew 4:10. (And again in Matthew 16:23, Jesus said, “Get behind me, Satan!)

Let God’s powerful Word and awesome promises work in your life to defeat the adversary. Delve into God’s Word.

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It’s My Party, and I’ll Cry If I Want To . . .

I had a party today. Sorry I didn’t invite you, but I was all caught up in myself. This kind of party is much more fun when I’m all alone.

It started this way: Surely God is good to me. . . but  I’ve stumbled and lost my footing. All day long I’m plagued with trials; seems there’s a new problem every morning. If only I had said something different – if only I could explain –  if only he truly loved me – if only she understood – if only things were different . . . if only . . . if only . . .

Wow! The party was really getting going at this point! (Maybe you should have been there!)  And then when I tried to understand all that was going on, it suddenly seemed very oppressive to me. (You know how that oppression works!) By this time, the enemy was knocking loudly at my door. He really wanted to come to my party!

Like I said, I wanted to be alone at my party. But I did recognize that malevolent knock, so when I recognized it as the oppressor, I left the room where he was knocking, and I entered the sanctuary of God.

It’s a quiet place – so very comfortable – such a place of refuge!

God took hold of my right hand; He became my strength;

and I realized that I desired nothing more than to be with Him.

(It was good for me to be near God.)

He said,

“You can have great peace because you love my law, and nothing can make you stumble.”

And I said,

 “I wait for your recovery, O Lord, and I follow your commands. I obey your statues, for I love them greatly. I obey your precepts and your statues, for all my ways are known to you.”

(That last part made me I realize that He had known about my party all along!)

Now that I look back on it, it really wasn’t much of a party at all until I entered His shelter. That’s when the true celebration started. 

Next time I’ll try to have a different kind of party, and I will invite you!

(Please read about this party in Psalm 73 and Psalm 119:165-168)

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First day of school!

For those of you who have just met me, I’ll give you a bit of background – Three of our beautiful grandchildren are living with us while their mom and dad are in a marvelous recovery/rehabilitation/restoration program. All is well but all is not truly well until this whole ordeal is over  (especially the sentencing.)

Today was the first day of school. New school for the kids. Mom and Dad aren’t taking them this morning – I am, so I’m feeling a bit sad about it – for them – for Mom and Dad – for me.

Jacob’s doing well – I think! Will his ear hurt at school? Does he have a bad infection? Or is it clearing up? Should I make a Dr. appointment after school? Will he lose his only key for his locker padlock?

Benny wanted me to walk him in the building – up to his classroom – but he didn’t want his sister tagging along, so he opted out and decided to make the trek himself – the long trek to a new classroom in a different school, without his friends. All the other kids know how to go through the lunch line – which foods are part of the school lunch – which foods are ‘a la carte.
Five minutes before we left the house this morning, he showed me the papers the teacher gave him at open house last week – papers I hadn’t seen because I was busy, filling out papers! A reading survey to fill out. Directions for the first report – What I Did During My Summer Vacation. Oh, well, I assured him the teacher will gladly receive those assignments tomorrow instead. He made the trek alone – big boy that he now is – to the 5th grade.

Slowly (very slowly) I proceed down the street to the elementary where countless cars are creeping along, trying to find parking spaces – walking their children into the building. And so we find a parking space, and I walk Kaylee toward her classroom. “Oh-oh. We forgot your lunch.” A panic-stricken look envelops her face until I add, “I’ll bring it back before 11:00. No problem, Honey.” We enter her brightly decorated classroom. She loves her new teacher – Mrs. Losey – but she looks down, almost ready to cry. I whisper, “Can I hug you before I leave, or don’t you want me to?” She shakes her head, No. So I take my hand away from her sweet little shoulder and say goodbye.

I step out of the room and peek back, knowing she will be fine in the care of Mrs. Losey, hoping she won’t cry – like I am.

And it could have been different this morning. Mommy and Daddy could have taken their children to school on this first day. (They are nearby – in town for a probate court conference this morning.) But DHS has their rules – their often ridiculous rules. (How many times I’ve questioned them – is this really in the best interest of the children?????)

I pray. I remember that I have already committed all these things to the Lord. I commit them again. I remember that I trusted Him in it all. I trust Him now.  I remember that He spreads His protection over them (my children) – that He blesses the righteous – and that He surrounds us with His favor as a shield. (Psalm 5:11-12)

Headed back to the elementary with the lunch now.

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Free yourself from the chains, O captive Daughter!

March 28, 2012
Sun is coming out this morning. I’ve had a rough night – dreading taking Benny to the dentist. I’ve pleaded – then remembered that I don’t Have to plead! I’ve asked God to heal Benny – to keep him from pain through this ordeal (having two teeth extracted and one filling). Why do I struggle so with trusting God in it? God has reminded me that He loves Benny more than I do – that He loves Jacob more than I do – that He loves Kaylee more than I do – that He doesn’t want them to hurt – that by Jesus’ stripes and wounds, Benny is healed from his hurting already.
I’ve gone to The Wordthis morning, reviewing Isaiah 52, 53, and 54 from my devotions a day or so ago. I am immediately exhorted to “Free myself from the chains on my neck, O captive Daughter of Zion.” And this is what I pray for and trust in. “How beautiful on the mountains are my feet; My God reigns!!; I lift up my voice and shout for joy . . . the Lord comforts me . . . all the earth will see His salvation (He saves me); I must be pure – for the LORD will go before me, the God of Israel will be my rear guard.” Today, He will go before me and prepare the office, the dentist, the assistant, the meds, the procedure – He will be Benny’s and my rear guard. I will trust Him.
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Grief in the midst of resurrection

Sunday, April 8 – Celebrating the Resurrection! Easter – my favorite day of the year!!! We had a beautiful sunshiny Easter morning and a blessed worship service.

I have had great peace and experienced much grace through everything. We buried my mother yesterday at the cemetery across the road. The sun was shining – the birds were singing. Mom’s soul is in heaven. Our precious nine grandchildren stood behind me as I sat close to the casket (or her “basket” as my little Kaylee called it!) at her burial. I could literally see Mom’s life continuing on in mylife – in my children’s lives – and in my grandchildren’s lives. All was well with the world.

 Being the human that I am (I suppose this is the reason) – later in the day, after most of our family had gone home, I suffered the greatest grief I have ever known. Ron tried to comfort me, “It’s okay, honey.”

“No, it’s not okay,” I responded. “And it never will be okay without my Mama.”

Ron nearly held me up as we walked outside in the fresh air – down the road, while I sobbed and cried out to God. I knew His peace and comfort could be there for me, but I didn’t feel it – I just couldn’t feel it at the time. I began repeating, “I love you, Lord.” Over and over I said it, placing my focus on my love for Him, realizing that He could comfort and fill me with his love, if and when I allowed Him to. Then we prayed together. The pain and grief is still there, but I do have peace in the midst of it, and for that, I am so thankful. I know He will heal my broken heart.

I know that there is much deeper, greater grief than I am experiencing – by those who lose children and spouses. But my grief is real; my grief is deep; and my God is sufficient even in the midst of it.