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This Nana has no regrets. Only precious memories.

I awoke this morning to an empty house – very empty! And very quiet!

No little girl stood beside my bed, looking at me and asking the usual Saturday questions: “Where’s Papa? At work? Can we get up, Nana? I’m not sleepy any more.”

I made only one bed this morning – my own. Jacob’s, Ben’s, and Kaylee’s had not been slept in.

I stepped into a clean kitchen and watched the CBS Morning Show instead of Saturday morning cartoons.

I leisurely drank coffee  and fixed my own breakfast instead of Kaylee’s.

I rushed to the laundry room to start the first of many loads today, but I found only a few odd socks. I won’t be washing any laundry today.

Then I wrote my grocery list and found it to be very short.

I feel very strange and terribly lonely. The house is not the same.

~~  ~~  ~~  ~~  ~~

I’m remembering the last 13 months when the house was filled with dolls and Legos, backpacks and half-eaten granola bars. I rescued socks from between the sheets and I sorted outfits for each day of the week. The fridge held large jugs of Powerade and organic 2% milk; the pantry was packed with Honey Nut Cheerios and Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips; and the freezer was stocked with Cookie Dough Ice Cream.

IMG_1943~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

Laundry room hooks held fleece jackets and hoodies;  its shelves were stacked with boots, shoes, and baseball cleats; and its hampers overflowed with dirty jeans and white t-shirts. Crumbs covered the floors under the kitchen stools; Happy Meal trinkets bounced from one room to another; and blobs of blue toothpaste splattered the bathroom counter.

 

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

 

 

 

Nana and KayleeThis Nana took on the traits of Mommy. (It’s an awesome combination!) And Papa added the role of Daddy to his character. (It’s a huge responsibility!)Papa, Benny, Jacob

DSCF6835The savings account dwindled.

The vehicles’ odometers soared as “The Road Less Traveled” became “The Road More Traveled” – back and forth between home and schools 24 miles away – three or four times a day.

Evenings were filled with baseball games, homework and baths, snuggling and lullabies. Weekends meant wrestling meets, visiting Mommy and Daddy,  and going to church.IMG_1960

Nana and Papa forgot that they once went out to dinner, sat quietly and talked, and watched old movies on television. (They were too tired to remember such times.)

And yesterday, I sorted some last-minute thoughts and turned them into reminders:

“Kaylee, here are your little pink wash cloths. I’m packing them for you to take.”

 

“Benny, don’t forget to brush your teeth – morning and night.”

“Jacob, your baseball uniform is washed and ready for your first game next week.”

And last night, they took that long-awaited step from our house to their own house with mommy.

So today, as I sit alone, I’m remembering the last 13 months, when this house has been a refuge and a haven of unconditional love to three adorable grandchildren, and I’m feeling strange and lonely in this empty, quiet house – a house that is not the same.

But this Nana has no regrets. Only precious memories.

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Tomorrow at midnight, . . .

Tomorrow, at midnight, her daddy will be at the back door of the building.

Tomorrow, at midnight, her daddy will pick her up – his precious daughter – his youngest daughter.

She’s coming home – to her new life – free of the addiction, guilt, and darkness of the past.

She’s coming home – to her children – her beautiful children who have weathered the storm and are awaiting the comfort of their mommy’s arms, awaiting the sound of her voice, the coconut fragrance of her hair, and the touch of her fingers stroking the nape of their necks as she sings them to sleep.

—  —  —  —

She’s coming home – to her new home – a big yellow house bathed in love and steeped in tradition and heritage.

—  —  —  —

Her recovery is complete; her debt is paid; her punishment is over.

She will step out and breathe in the cold, crisp, fresh air.

And she’ll thank God for the new life He has given her.

And tomorrow at midnight, I’ll thank God again, as I promised Him last year – and forever and ever – for the new life In Christ He gave my precious daughter – my youngest daughter.

 

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Through the child, the angels are made known

I don’t begin to know how or why, but I do know that my little granddaughter, Kaylee (the one who lives with us now) sees angels!

The first time I realized that she saw angels was one night – the middle of the night! – when she climbed into bed with her Papa and me.

See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. (Matthew 18:10)

As she lay between us, squirming like crazy (while we tried to get back to sleep), she talked as though it were the middle of the day instead of the night! Then she began describing the angels she saw flying around her. I thought she might be frightened, so I said, “It’s probably your special guardian angel, Kaylee. Everyone has a guardian angel!” She wasn’t frightened.

“There are lots of angels, Nana. See?”

I didn’t see them. I just kept encouraging her to go to sleep!

“Close your eyes, Kaylee. And go to sleep, honey.”

She did close her eyes. “I can still see them, Nana.”

I turned toward her. She opened her eyes and said, “There’s one on your nose, Nana.”

 

At breakfast, I encouraged her to “rethink” the events.

“Your were dreaming about angels last night, weren’t you Kaylee?”

“No, Nana, I didn’t dream about angels. I saw angels!”

I tilted my face, smiling, “You were just kidding about the angels, weren’t you, Kaylee?”

“No, Nana. I really did see angels!”

 

Similar episodes have since occured, both in her own bedroom, as well as ours. But the episode that amazes me the most occured one night when many angels flew around the room. By this time, I had learned to pretend I was sleeping while quietly, I enjoyed her descriptions. She described the many as perhaps forty, which was more than the few at a time she had previously recounted. Suddenly, these forty angels stood perfectly still, forming a wall. 

Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve us? (Hebrews 1:14)

I waited. Finally I asked, “Are they flying around again?”

“They’re still not moving, Nana. They’re holding still on the wall they’ve made.”

A few minutes passed.

“They’re flying around again, Nana.”

Have you not put a hedge around [her] and [her]household and everything [she] has? Job 1:10

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. (Psalm 34:7)

I don’t know the danger that was coming our way at 1 am that morning, or why those angels formed a wall of protection around us, but I prayed, “Thank you, God, for showing me, through the innocent eyes of my child, your awesome protection upon our family.”

From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. (Psalm 8:2)

 

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We have this treasure . . .

And  God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts . . .

2 Corinthians 4: 6

Friends, Tuesday morning, after a heartbreaking Monday, after telling our grandchildren that Mommy and Daddy were in jail, and after a miserable night, I opened my Bible to Joshua 5:14b, to ask the Lord the question I have been trying to remember to ask  him every day, “What message does my Lord have for his servant?” (Me!) Was I expecting something new? Something dramatic? Something unusual? As I flipped through the pages of my Bible, my eyes fell upon highlighted passages, post-it notes, and ink writings, smeared by time and wear. I read His promises–the same promises I’d been given in His Word before Monday’s sentencing–were true for me on Tuesday. The same God who loved me (and Ron and Amber and Jesse and . . .) before Monday’s sentencing loved me on Tuesday. And loves me today. And will love me tomorrow . . . and . . .

Do you see?

He doesn’t change.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

Ron and I are heartbroken. But He is here with us.

Amber is hurting and lonely. But he is there with her.

Jesse is humiliated and broken. But he is there with him.

He will never leave us or forsake us. Hebrews 13:5

You see, we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God . . . We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Why? Because we always carry around . . . Jesus!

 2 Corintians 4: 7-9

So, grab your jars of clay and go fill them with His treasures.

More to come . . .

 

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These days . . .

These days are different. I was an organized person before, but, these days . . .

Nothing is ever finished! I feel like I’m never completely prepared to teach. One day I had all my papers graded—in all classes! It seemed too good to be true. Everything caught up? I kept thinking something was missing. It was! Two days later, my students got online for their “online” class,  but I hadn’t! I wasn’t prepared for my online class!
My heart wants to invite guests to dinner; my body can’t get the house cleaned.
The house is a mess. It’s upside down and inside out. My spring cleaning isn’t done. (This is October!) I can’t walk in a straight line through my storage room. A path must be plowed for the Direct TV installers. Tubs from the Modert house. Boxes from Mom and Dad’s. Clothing is piled. In the washer. In the dryer. Across the bed. I sort summer clothes. It adds one more tub. I file the funeral papers. It adds one more box.  
Furniture is dusty. Woodwork is dirty. Blinds are broken, light bulbs need replaced. Box Children’s school papers cover the kitchen counters. Happy Meal trinkets litter the carpeting. Electronic gadgets and cables surround the television and computer. Box elder bugs are invading.  
I forget to study for my weekly ladies’ Bible study!
I start a job but rarely get it completed before I’m forced to move on to another.
I can’t find my Bible or my devotional book. Oh, here it is. I open my Bible to remember what God has said to me this week:
On Monday, God told me that I need to continue to give to the Lord and let that gift be one of honor, not talking unbelief as I give it but rejoicing when I give it. He said, “If the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable . . .” (2 Cor. 8:12)
On Tuesday, God told me I can expect the glory of God’s presence because I’m “justified by faith,” so I have “peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ . . . [and] access by faith into grace . . .” (Romans 5:1-3) Wow! I know He certainly has shown me His grace throughout the last eight months!
On Wednesday, God told me that I am not supposed to fear the enemy because I am “more than a conqueror through him that loves me.” (Romans 8:37)
Yesterday, God told me that I “. . . have this treasure  . . . that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of [me].” (2 Cor. 4:7)
The devotional writer then reminded me that I “must have that ability to survive the pressure in these last days. You’ll need to be able to see Jesus within you just as clearly as you can see Him in the Word. You’ll have to know—not just with your brain, but with every fiber of your being—that He who is within you is greater than he that is in the world” (from Pursuit of His Presence 1998). I‘m sure the writer’s reference to the “last days” meant the last days before the Lord Jesus returns for us, but to me—during these days, the “last days” means these last days of this struggle, leading up to the November 19 court date—the culmination of nine months of turmoil and blessing, distress and joy, suffering and happiness, chaos and peace. During these days, I want to see Jesus within me. I want to know that everything I need is within me because that’s where Jesus is. I want to experience the excellency of His power.

And today, God reminds me to hide His Word in my heart. (Psalm 119:11) I started hiding His Word in my heart when I was a young girl. At that time, it was easy to memorize God’s Word. I learned it to music–as a song. “Thy Word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against Thee.” These days, it’s more difficult to “hide it—to memorize it. These days, I need to read it often to keep it hidden in my heart. Today, the devotional writer reminded me to “make those faith deposits . . . to speak the Word day and night” because the words I speak “are either words of faith or words of doubt”(from Pursuit of His Presence 1998).

The house is still a mess. The jobs are still undone. But these days, and with every fiber of my being, I need to hide and speak words of faith! So from that perspective, these days really are no different than any other.
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First day of school!

For those of you who have just met me, I’ll give you a bit of background – Three of our beautiful grandchildren are living with us while their mom and dad are in a marvelous recovery/rehabilitation/restoration program. All is well but all is not truly well until this whole ordeal is over  (especially the sentencing.)

Today was the first day of school. New school for the kids. Mom and Dad aren’t taking them this morning – I am, so I’m feeling a bit sad about it – for them – for Mom and Dad – for me.

Jacob’s doing well – I think! Will his ear hurt at school? Does he have a bad infection? Or is it clearing up? Should I make a Dr. appointment after school? Will he lose his only key for his locker padlock?

Benny wanted me to walk him in the building – up to his classroom – but he didn’t want his sister tagging along, so he opted out and decided to make the trek himself – the long trek to a new classroom in a different school, without his friends. All the other kids know how to go through the lunch line – which foods are part of the school lunch – which foods are ‘a la carte.
Five minutes before we left the house this morning, he showed me the papers the teacher gave him at open house last week – papers I hadn’t seen because I was busy, filling out papers! A reading survey to fill out. Directions for the first report – What I Did During My Summer Vacation. Oh, well, I assured him the teacher will gladly receive those assignments tomorrow instead. He made the trek alone – big boy that he now is – to the 5th grade.

Slowly (very slowly) I proceed down the street to the elementary where countless cars are creeping along, trying to find parking spaces – walking their children into the building. And so we find a parking space, and I walk Kaylee toward her classroom. “Oh-oh. We forgot your lunch.” A panic-stricken look envelops her face until I add, “I’ll bring it back before 11:00. No problem, Honey.” We enter her brightly decorated classroom. She loves her new teacher – Mrs. Losey – but she looks down, almost ready to cry. I whisper, “Can I hug you before I leave, or don’t you want me to?” She shakes her head, No. So I take my hand away from her sweet little shoulder and say goodbye.

I step out of the room and peek back, knowing she will be fine in the care of Mrs. Losey, hoping she won’t cry – like I am.

And it could have been different this morning. Mommy and Daddy could have taken their children to school on this first day. (They are nearby – in town for a probate court conference this morning.) But DHS has their rules – their often ridiculous rules. (How many times I’ve questioned them – is this really in the best interest of the children?????)

I pray. I remember that I have already committed all these things to the Lord. I commit them again. I remember that I trusted Him in it all. I trust Him now.  I remember that He spreads His protection over them (my children) – that He blesses the righteous – and that He surrounds us with His favor as a shield. (Psalm 5:11-12)

Headed back to the elementary with the lunch now.

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Free yourself from the chains, O captive Daughter!

March 28, 2012
Sun is coming out this morning. I’ve had a rough night – dreading taking Benny to the dentist. I’ve pleaded – then remembered that I don’t Have to plead! I’ve asked God to heal Benny – to keep him from pain through this ordeal (having two teeth extracted and one filling). Why do I struggle so with trusting God in it? God has reminded me that He loves Benny more than I do – that He loves Jacob more than I do – that He loves Kaylee more than I do – that He doesn’t want them to hurt – that by Jesus’ stripes and wounds, Benny is healed from his hurting already.
I’ve gone to The Wordthis morning, reviewing Isaiah 52, 53, and 54 from my devotions a day or so ago. I am immediately exhorted to “Free myself from the chains on my neck, O captive Daughter of Zion.” And this is what I pray for and trust in. “How beautiful on the mountains are my feet; My God reigns!!; I lift up my voice and shout for joy . . . the Lord comforts me . . . all the earth will see His salvation (He saves me); I must be pure – for the LORD will go before me, the God of Israel will be my rear guard.” Today, He will go before me and prepare the office, the dentist, the assistant, the meds, the procedure – He will be Benny’s and my rear guard. I will trust Him.