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Pouring out my heart, for Luke!

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:8

In my Bible, in the margin beside this verse, I’ve written these words: “Ron read this to me, 12-28-08.” I don’t know why it was so special at that time. Were we going through a difficult time on 12-28-08? I think I made the note because it was so special to me that Ron shared that verse with me – because it spoke to him.

And today, as my heart is aching, that verse speaks to me.

Yes, I do trust in him . . . Yes, today, I have poured out my heart to him . . . And yes, today, I again find that God is my refuge.

Ron and I left the house at 8:17 this morning. I cried until we reached Jackson. That’s okay. I’m not ashamed of crying. It does not mean I don’t trust God. He understands and He allows it. In fact, the psalmist writes,  “. . . pour out your hearts to him . . . ,”  and crying is sometimes a part of pouring out my heart. My crying led to praying, and my praying led to praise, and my praise led to singing.

0301131031
Laying hands on Baby Luke

 

 

As I write this, Baby Luke is being prepared for surgery. Right now, I’m not singing. I’m crying again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve poured out my heart to God. It wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last. God has told me to do so; He knows it’s best because in pouring out my heart, I find that refuge I’ve known for quite some time:

– the shelter in the storm, bringing warmth and the comfort of impending sunshine

– the arms that hold me in the midst of darkness, revealing the coming light of dawn

– the righteous right hand that holds me up and never lets me go

– the ever-present help in trouble, trouble like I’m feeling today

When I think of my little Luke in surgery, my gut wrenches and aches, but

I trust in Him

I pour out my heart to Him

and I find refuge in Him.

And He is ever faithful. (Psalm 145:13b The Lord is faithful to all His promises.)

 

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He is in the palm of God’s hand!

The baby is born! My little Luke – my tenth grandchild! Luke, the “bringer of light”!

I praise.

There are problems. Luke has two holes in his heart and a duct that needs to close.

I praise.

And I pray.

I see answers to prayer. Those answers comfort me. They remind me of God’s love and mercy.

One hole closes – it is healed! The duct closes!

I see miracles! Those miracles strengthen my faith.

I praise.

I pray.

And I wait.

Luke grows. He gains stature, strength, and weight! He nurses well. He is strong and appears healthy, so healthy that when others see him, they don’t know he has a hole in his heart – a hole that has not yet healed.

I praise.

I pray. 

I wait.

And I trust God’s promises.

I want that second hole to be miraculously woven, knit, and healed by God’s hand – His righteous, right hand. His holy hand.

The answer I hear is not the answer I want: God is going to bring about Luke’s healing through surgery.

Again, I realize that I am not the orchestrator of this healing. But God is. So I rest.

I praise.

I pray.

I wait.

I trust God’s promises. 

And I rest.

It does not come easy for me to rest. I sing. I praise God. It helps me rest. I picture Baby Luke in the palm of God’s hand – His righteous, right hand – His holy hand.  Whether Luke is at home in his cradle, nursing in his mother’s arms, or in the doctor’s care on the surgery table, there is no safer place for Luke to be than in the palm of God’s hand.

I praise.

I pray.

I wait.

I trust God’s promises.

I trust.

I rest.

And I thank Him.

I thank Him because he loves Luke even more than I do – even more than Luke’s Mommy and Daddy do. I close my eyes and I see Jesus with little Baby Luke:

“People were also bringing their babies to Jesus to have him touch them . . . and Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me.'”

 

Luke 2 23 2013And so I am bringing Baby Luke to Jesus this Friday morning. And as I do,

I praise.

I pray.

I wait.

I trust God’s promises.

I rest.

I thank Him.

And I know that he is in the palm of God’s hand.

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A blessing and a curse

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:4

God used so many people to comfort me – close friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, high school friends.  God comforted me so that I can comfort others. I hope to. Comfort others.

My friend is hurting. Her mother passed away. Her mother was her best friend. My friend is an only child. Mother and daughter were as close as seems possible. I wrote her a note of sympathy. In that note, I called her relationship a blessing and a curse. A blessing because of the many wonderful years of memories. A curse because it makes the grief and pain of that loss so much greater.

I used that rhetorical phrase because I have experienced both the blessing and the curse.

The blessing of being so close to my parents, both my mother and my father – the blessing of living close to them, our children back and forth between our homes, often worshipping, working, and vacationing together. The blessing of long life – many years to love and enjoy them – many years of experiencing their love for me.

The curse doesn’t come until the end of the long, blessed life. The curse comes when the suffering begins, and you suffer with the parent, for the parent. The curse comes when he/she passes away and the pain and grief seem unbearable.

~~  ~~  ~~

Everyone doesn’t know the curse. I once spoke with a woman whose father had passed away. She said she hadn’t shed a tear! I sat, dumbfounded,  listening to her. I didn’t judge her. I was happy for her that she hadn’t suffered grief – that she hadn’t suffered the curse, but sad for her that she hadn’t experienced the blessing!

 

 

~~ ~~  ~~

The great hope for the believer is that the curse eventually dies. Because God IS the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, the curse dies, but the blessing remains. And the blessing grows and develops, like a beautiful summer flower, with the expectation and hope of eternal life.

~~  ~~  ~~

 The blessing of eternal life – forever  to love and enjoy them – forever of experiencing their love for me.

My friend, I write this for you, today. May you find comfort in the arms of the Father of compassion.

~~  ~~  ~~

Study the Word: Psalm 119: 76; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 46:1

Pray the Word: Oh, God of compassion and of comfort, may your unfailing love be my friend’s comfort today. Strengthen her, help her, uphold her. Be her refuge and strength.

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Tomorrow at midnight, . . .

Tomorrow, at midnight, her daddy will be at the back door of the building.

Tomorrow, at midnight, her daddy will pick her up – his precious daughter – his youngest daughter.

She’s coming home – to her new life – free of the addiction, guilt, and darkness of the past.

She’s coming home – to her children – her beautiful children who have weathered the storm and are awaiting the comfort of their mommy’s arms, awaiting the sound of her voice, the coconut fragrance of her hair, and the touch of her fingers stroking the nape of their necks as she sings them to sleep.

—  —  —  —

She’s coming home – to her new home – a big yellow house bathed in love and steeped in tradition and heritage.

—  —  —  —

Her recovery is complete; her debt is paid; her punishment is over.

She will step out and breathe in the cold, crisp, fresh air.

And she’ll thank God for the new life He has given her.

And tomorrow at midnight, I’ll thank God again, as I promised Him last year – and forever and ever – for the new life In Christ He gave my precious daughter – my youngest daughter.

 

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So I ask them, “Daddy. Mama. . .”

I’ve been missing them more lately – my daddy and mama. I’ve been wanting to talk to them. Perhaps it’s following the holidays. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been in their house quite often, sorting, cleaning, and getting it ready for new life!

But I think the true reason I’ve been missing them so much is that I’ve been imagining them holding our newest grandson, little Baby Luke. He’s the first grandbaby born since Daddy and Mama passed away and the only grandbaby they hadn’t yet held, so I picture them holding little Luke.

I see them snuggling him. I see the love in their eyes and hear it in their voices. “Oh, Kristen,” they’d say. “He’s just perfect. Why, Josh, he looks just like you!” Tears of joy fill their eyes as they absorb him.

And as I picture this, I speak to them. I don’t know if they can hear me or not. But I know they’re in heaven with the Lord, so I ask them, ” Daddy. Mama. Go to the Lord Jesus. Kneel before Him. Ask Him to heal Luke. Or just touch the hem of His garment and Luke will be healed.”

But I’m somewhat ashamed before the Lord. Speaking to my daddy and mama sounds so much like a prayer to them, and that just can’t be. I want to be reverent. So I confess and wonder again if Daddy and Mama can hear my request.

Then I am suddenly filled with joy. I remember that Daddy and Mama have already gone to the Lord Jesus – many times – in behalf of our little Luke and in behalf of each of our little grandbabies.  As I near the house, I hear their prayers, their tender voices crying out to the Lord for us – their family. I stand on the front porch and look through the kitchen window, gazing on their wrinkled, spotted hands, clasped to each other’s on the kitchen table and clasped in prayer. I see their opened Bibles — on the kitchen table or the sofa table or their bedstand.

And I know that those prayers were powerful and effective, that those prayers offered in faith will make Luke well, and that the Lord will raise Luke up, because those prayers are still going before the Father, in the name of their Lord Jesus Christ who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

And I thank God for Daddy and Mama. And I don’t miss them quite as much for now.

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Dear Mama,

Dear Mama,

Your birthday was last week. I thought of you, celebrating your birthday in heaven. Happy Birthday, Mama. If you had been here, Larry and Becky and I would have brought a cake to you and celebrated. You would have been 88 years old!  I would have loved to have you here to celebrate. I miss you, Mama.

I looked through your purse the other day, Mama. Read every little note you had written, cherishing your handwriting, the handwriting that we always laughed about together – scratchy!. I browsed through one of your diaries, the one from 2003, wishing we could be back there again, spending time at your Florida house. Every once in awhile, I look in the mirror and catch a glimpse — of you! I haven’t erased your messages on my answering machine, Mama, but I haven’t been able to listen to them, either – for such a long time now. I think I’ll try again in a few days. As much as it hurts, I want to hear your voice again.

I bet you miss me and you feel badly for all I’ve been going through. If you were here, you would have worried so, and I didn’t want you to worry. But oh, how I long to have you hold me in your arms. Now you understand how things are — here — and there — and what’s best. How the Lord  really works things out for good for those of us who love Him. (You really understand Romans 8:28, now, don’t you?)  Speaking of the Word, do you read it there? Do you speak it? Or sing it? Or since Jesus is the Word, does He just totally indwell you? Wow! It’s awesome, Mama. You must love it there. Well, anyway, I’ll bet you really DO miss me – you just don’t miss being here – even though you loved the place — the country, the yellow house, the garden, the land.

Speaking of the yellow house, Mama, it’s almost time for Amber to move in. Isn’t that amazing? Of all the grandchildren, she’s the one who will love it the most — will love living there — will love the country, the yellow house, the garden, and the land. She’s the one who will love watching the deer and the turkeys. Well, anyway, today, Jake and Jesse’s cousin moved most of Amber’s things from the storage unit. I’ve been cleaning and getting things ready. I want to have a cloth on her kitchen table. I think she’ll cry to walk into the house and know it’s hers! She’ll have to live there by herself for awhile; then the kids will join her. What a blessed day that will be! But most awesome will be when Jesse joins her. They’ll be a whole family again!

The yellow house was painted; I was so careful to select just the right yellow, and I think it’s perfect! Then I had Jim put all the spindles on the porch rail – the spindles that have sat in the granary for about 30 years. They’re back on the porch were they belong!

And oh how pretty the new porch light looks! I occasionally leave it on overnight – just so I can look over there and see the light. Reminds me of you — of you expecting someone to drive in. Just to think of the years you left the porch light on, waiting for Larry, or for me, or for Becky! Little did I know then that I would do the same thing with my children, and now, Amber will do the same with her children – right back in your house — the yellow house.

And as much as you loved the yellow house, Mama, I’ll bet you don’t really miss it, either. I’ll bet God has given you a new one in heaven – or prepared it for you to have when he takes us all there together. And I’ll bet that yellow house (the one in heaven) has the open stairway you always wanted — and the summer kitchen with the green and cream colored cook stove. And Daddy shares that yellow house with you! Wow!

Can you see us here Mama? Do you know about our new baby Luke? Mama, please touch the hem of the Lord Jesus’ garment in behalf of little baby Luke. Ask our Lord to heal baby Luke. And ask Him to bless our baby boy still in Lynette’s womb. Two new babies, Mama. Two more to fill the empty spots you and Daddy left.

I’m so happy for you, and I can’t wait to be with you and Daddy there someday. Hug Daddy for me. I miss him so much. Tell him I’ll write him soon.

You’re both with our Savior, Mama. What peace you must finally have! That peace is just about beyond my comprehension. I’m always striving for it here – I write about it sometimes. It’s so difficult to be steadfast, but I keep trying. As much as I look forward to seeing you both, I know the first and foremost joy will be seeing my Savior, Jesus. I can only imagine!

(Click here for the link to I can only imagine . . .)

“I can only imagine what it will be like

when I walk by your side.

No more pain. No walker. No wheelchair. 

I can only imagine what my eyes will see

when your face is before me.

I can only imagine; I can only imagine!

Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel?

What did your heart feel, Mama?

Will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of you be still?

I’ll bet your danced, didn’t you, Mama?

Will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing hallelujah, or will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine; I can only imagine!

I can only imagine when that day  comes

when I find myself standing in the Son!

I can only imagine when all I will do

is forever, forever worship you!

I can only imagine; I can only imagine!” (Mercy Me)

Some day, Mama, some day.

I’ve thought of you so much today, Mama. I miss you so much. I’ll write again after I listen to your voice again on the answering machine.

With love,

your honey girl.

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Hope and a future! 2013 – I will bring you back!

It’s mine.

It’s yours.

Hope and a future in 2013.

God says He will never leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5b)

2012 was the most difficult year of my life. But He never left me through it all nor did He ever forsake me. The pain was nearly unbearable at times, but His grace was even greater.

In February, our youngest daughter and her husband were arrested. The four days that followed were a blur. So devastating that I don’t remember all the details. Ron and I held each other and dropped to our knees, crying out to God for help. He helped us. I learned to pray unlike I had ever known before. The pleas and praises came from a depth within me that I hadn’t known existed. I prayed without ceasing – quietly, silently, or aloud while walking through the grocery store! Communion with my Lord unintentionally encompassed my every moment during those days. Later, communion with my Lord became intentional.

In March, my daddy died. Yes, he was old. Yes, he had dementia. Yes, it was a blessing. But he was my daddy, and the pain was real and continues to rouse from time to time. I miss snuggling his neck and face. I miss hearing him say, “I love you. Be careful now, honey.”

In April, my mama died. If you’ve lost both parents, you realize how final the passing of the last one is. I’m 10 years old again, and I’m an orphan. The last months, weeks, and days were terrible – she suffered so. Through it all, God was faithful. His grace was so real. But the night after her funeral, after all the family was gone, including the grandchildren who had been my comfort — after the beautiful words were spoken and the songs were sung, I suddenly couldn’t find that grace. I honestly thought I couldn’t go on. I’ve never felt so empty in my entire life. I had no peace. I had no joy. But I remembered that there was a love there that I could feel, if I could just reach it – if I could just find it. So I spoke the only words I could: “I love you, Lord. I love you, Lord.” Over and over I said those words. The peace came. It filled me. The grief remained, but His peace surpassed the grief. I found Him to be faithful in the midst of my greatest grief.

Court dates, pleas, recovery programs, caregiving, taking classes, teaching courses, 50-mile round trips to and from school, doctor and dental appointments, baths and bedtimes, overseeing homework, laundry, cooking, and finally, the sentencing, filled my 2012 days and drained my natural energy, but the Lord was my strength. When I felt I couldn’t go on, I remembered those dear people who were praying for me – I remembered them by name and thanked God for them and prayed for them, in return. I trusted that God would give me the strength He promised, and I told myself that if I did not believe it, it would be an insult to Him, so I believed in that strength.

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” (Psalm 94:19)

~~   ~~   ~~   ~~

Because of the Lord’s work, my prayers have been answered. My daughter and her husband embraced the Savior. Their lives are totally transformed. They now walk with and honor the Lord with their lives. I thank God for answered prayer.

I also thank God for the heritage left me by my daddy and mama. I cherish every memory and envision them together in their “big yellow house” in heaven.

~~   ~~   ~~   ~~

As the year 2012 came to an end, our tenth grandchild was born – Luke Ryan Greene, our Bringer of Light. God blessed us with him. He was born with heart defects. We trust God for his complete healing. We began to see miracles. His platelets had lowered to 60,000 – then to 54,000. The levels were becoming dangerous. The next day, his platelets were over 100,000! He required oxygen for days. Then suddenly, his oxygen levels became normal, and the oxygen was removed. He went home! He relishes in the environment of his home, with the commotion of his active brother and sisters. He flourishes in the nourishment of his mother’s milk. He gains weight! 1 lb. 3 oz within 2 1/2 weeks! The next cardiologist visit and tests revealed that two defects were healed! We trust and await the continued healing of his heart, for we know that he is fearfully and wonderfully made and God loves little Luke.

This is the first of the miracles I am looking for in 2013 – the complete healing of our precious little Luke!

“Nothing is impossible with God.” Luke 1:37

Next, I am looking for the miracle of the birth of our eleventh grandchild – healthy little baby boy Waligora, to be born in March!

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you . . .” Jeremiah 1:5

And, in 2013, we will rejoice when our dear three grandchildren who now live with us are reunited with their parents!

 “All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children’s peace.” Isaiah 54:13

What does the Lord have planned in 2013?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. . . I will be found by you . . . I will bring you back . . ” (Jeremiah 29:11-14a)

The Lord said “Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)

We have called!

He will show us!

He will bring us back in 2013!

If you have not yet called on the Lord Jesus Christ, accept Him as your Savior! “Faith comes from hearing the message and the message is heard through the word of Christ.” Read about it in the Word. See Romans 10:8-13. the Bible says that if you confess with your mouth (speak it) that Jesus is the Lord and you believe in your heart that God has raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Call, email, or message me. I’d love to hear from you. God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life! Plans for hope and a future! A bright future!

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No excuses!

I redeemed you . . . I sent Moses to lead you . . . And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

(Micah 6:4, 8)

He doesn’t require a Master’s degree or a Ph.D.; He doesn’t even require a Bachelor’s degree!

Your résumé doesn’t impress Him.

He doesn’t care about beauty or physique, ability or talent.

He doesn’t care if you are disabled.

He doesn’t want or require perfection.

Paul had imperfections — imperfections he didn’t want. (2 Corinthians 12:-8) In fact, he begged the Lord to take those weaknesses from him, but the Lord didn’t. Paul didn’t use the imperfections as an excuse. He diligently persevered, running the race, serving the Lord, preaching the gospel, in spite of persecution and imprisonment. He wrote letters to the churches — epistles that teach us, guide us, direct us — all inspired by God. Paul kept the faith. James D. Smith III writes,

“To keep the faith is to put it mildly. Paul had done so in the face of jailings, floggings, death threats, murder attempts, and the constant anxiety for the churches he founded—not to mention what Paul called his ‘thorn in the flesh’—a chronic and debilitating weakness.”

And I complain about not having enough time to serve the Lord – about not feeling well. I want to let the younger women serve in capacities I once did. I’m tired. I have too much to do. My family needs all of my time.

Are you talented? Gifted? Confident? Beautiful? Perfect?

Or do you often feel insecure? Unable? Depressed? Too busy? Disabled?

Moses was disabled.

And he used it as an excuse not to obey God. God spoke to Him directly! Through the burning bush. God called him by name!

“Moses! Moses!” God said.

(We read about this in Exodus, Chapter 4.)

We might think, If God spoke to me directly, I would serve Him. I would do exactly as He asked.

Really? What has He said directly through His Word? (your burning bush)

“So now, go. I am sending you . . .”

God said.

Moses began his excuses: “Who am I that I should go? . . .Suppose I go . . . and they say,  ‘Who sent you? What is his name?’ What if they do not believe me?”

God answered every question. And God gave Moses a staff and showed Moses the miraculous acts he could perform with the staff! But Moses still was not convinced, nor was he obedient!

So Moses used his trump: his disability. “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to me. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

Oh, really? (As if God didn’t already know!)

The Lord God said, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will be your mouth and will teach you what to say.”

“Please Lord, send someone else to do it!” (Evidently Moses was thinking about his brother, Aaron.)

Moses’s brother Aaron was a gifted speaker – intelligent, refined.

But God used Moses.

God said He would help both Moses and Aaron speak and He would teach them what to do! God told Moses that he (Moses) would speak to Aaron and put the words in Aaron’s mouth! Then Aaron “will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth, and as if you were God to him!”

Imagine! Moses, the disabled one, is going to be God to Aaron!

Finally, Moses obeyed God and went to do what the Lord sent him to do – to rescue his own people.

I want the power of the Almighty God to be evident in my life! I want people to see God in me! I want God to teach me and let Him be my mouth!

And what does the LORD require of me? Does He require intelligence or degrees? Experience or an impressive résumé? Beauty or physique? Ability or talent? Perfection?

No, He requires me To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with Him.

If God speaks to you directly, will you obey Him? Will you do exactly as He asks?

Then listen to your burning bush – His Word!

“So now, go. I am sending you . . .”

God says.

And make no excuses! Because your disabilities don’t matter to God.

References:

Exodus 4:1-17

James D. Smith III, pastor of Clairemont Emmanuel Baptist Church and adjunct professor of church history at Bethel Seminary—West, both in San Diego, California, is an adviser for Christian History. Copyright © 1995 by the author or Christianity Today International/Christian History magazine.

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This Christmas Eve . . .

This Christmas Eve, I am thinking of Mary, mother of the Lord Jesus. She listens to the angel Gabriel who says: “You have found favor with God. You will  . . . give birth to a son . . . He will be great . . . the Son of the Most High . . . his kingdom will never end.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” she answers.

She visits her cousin Elizabeth; she goes with Joseph to Bethlehem; she births the Son of God; she observes the shepherds’ amazing faith; and she treasures all these things and ponders them in her heart.

And this Christmas Eve, I am pondering my love for my precious little Luke, the bringer of light.

And as I do, I am thinking of my Kristen, mother of my precious little Luke, the bringer of light. She reads God’s Word and listens to His Holy Spirit, and as she meditates upon it, He speaks to her, and He says: “I send forth my word and heal little Luke; I rescue Him.” (Psalm 107:20) He also says, “Before Luke was born, I called him; from his birth I made mention of his name . . . in the shadow of my hands I hid Luke; And now I say, I who formed Luke in the womb to be my servant; I will also make Luke a light for the Gentiles.”  (Isaiah 49)

“I am the Lord’s servant,” she answers. She treasures all these things and ponders them in her heart —  little Luke, and all God has done, all God is doing, and all God is going to do.

And we praise Him together, my Kristen and I, for our precious little Luke, the bringer of light.

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Really, Christmas is . . .

Christmas is for kids –

innocently believing in a Santa Claus. Believing that someone cares SO much that he wants to bring you a gift.

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